After you

I used to not believe in love, which is the true love does exist. I would fall in and out so easily, going thru the same vicious cycle. It just seemed possible that there could be only one person out there for you. Then, I met you.

I spent hours tracing your life, asking too much about you, so do you. Your scent, your smile, your laugh and even your every single thing. Memorizing it all, in case you disappeared on me, I still could feel your existence around me. That’s what I did before, since we cannot meet like every single day after you finished your diploma here in UPSI. Well, prepare for the worst I guess. Wherever we kissed, it was like a flame ignited, lighting my whole body off, I never shined brighter.

But after you left,

It wasn’t like the other times, it didn’t take a day of eating and watching sad movies or even worse listening to sad song to forget you. Eating makes me gained weight like a lot and everyone told me that. Look on how frustration make me. Every date I’ve been on since, which took months by the way, none have even come close to, comparing to you. When they tell me goodnight, no spark is there. I feel nothing.

Even worse, I still could find you in any crowd. Still. Every single thing has its own sentimental values. Everything. Each morning thought was about you, and my last thought each night was you. You never left my mind. Waking up and you’re the first thing I thought was not a good day to start you know. It’s hurting and killing me softly when you came into my dream and when I woke up thinking it was just a dream, I cried. The reality hurts me so bad.

Every sad song I hear is now relevant. I can’t pass the day by sit on my own self for god’s sake without thinking of you. I haven’t slept in over five month which I think I can really someone can call it sleep. Even my sleep pattern has messed up after you left me. I wake up in fits of anxiety when you aren’t there to comfort me, to promise you’ll never leave me as you did before. You even told me you’re not going to change for me and I built the trust in me. Look at what is happening now.

Now, my world has become grey and bleak. There’s no more light, only fog. And each time I think I see the light, I run to it, only to end up back where I started. Without you. I tried everything just to numb the pain. Even the worse things too, though I once think it’s only for stupid but I did and I feel stupid too. I have no interest in anything. Even to improve myself. I’ve drown so much with everything like I had already lost everything in my life which is you, my source of happiness.

Now, I tried to put some effort to look some sort of decent. Well, not only getting fatter I’m also look hideous as fuck nowadays you know. I have no one to impress anyway so there’s no point of looking good. But I tried everything. Make time for myself like to make me different. Going out with some friends to catch up, and I’m ready to talk about you to my friends but this time maybe a bit different kind of ways with a clear head.

Now, my eyes might see cute people in my life but this time nothing stars in my heart. No butterflies, no sparks and no interest because deep inside I still miss you, like always. But at least the urge to contact you or even ask about you become less frequent. I just need to learn how to adapt with the reality of you’re no longer mine though it’s hurting me all the time. How long would I be here? No one knows.